Solve Unamusement: The Rules to Zombie/Survival Horror

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The Dudel Journal

The Rules to Zombie/Survival Horror

Welcome to another random segment for Solve Unamusemtn simply tagged as "Rules". From no on when the above banner is seen, you'll know exactly what to be expecting. These will not be similar to the Zombieland rules in that they don't apply to only zombies but to survival horror in general. Please note that these are not in any specific order. Now, let us begin.

Rule One: Pay Attention

Seems simple enough you would think, right? WRONG! How many movies have you seen when a man or woman has a moment where they "just weren't looking" when shit hits the fan? Pay attention to your surroundings, your teammates (if you have any) and your enemy. If video games have thought us anything it is to watch the life bar even in times of complete calm.

Rule Two: Don't Investigate

When your life is on the line, don't get curious about the sound you just heard or that funny man across the street. Just go the other way and smile about how smart you are. Really, who walks to the sounds of people butchering cats? Apparently people who want to die do that. Unless you are a cop or someone in the human medical field, stay away cause you wont be able to help and if you're lucky will only lose an arm.

Rule Three: Keep It in Your Pants

Sex means death and virgins are always saved for last. Plain and simple, don't have sex and your rate of survival skyrockets. If you dress like a nun but aren't actually a nun this helps as well. Just looking like you want it, have had it or think about it makes you an easy target. Dress proper and keep your privets private on all counts. Once things are over, have at it. Repopulate the earth! But, really, wait until things are actually over.

Rule Four: If Religious, Keep it to Yourself

The second or third last to die in every film is the guy or girl quoting revelations. Pray all you want, you deserve to pray in a situation like this, but of all the times right now isn't the best to be trying to recruit people to your faith. The people who survive will want to be saved TRUST ME. There really isn't a need to push the issue right now.

Rule Five: Groups of 4, no More.

The bigger your group the more of a target you are. Remember how lions hunt, they like to section off the weakest one and pick if off. Having more than one "weak one" within the pride is going to lower everyone's chances of survival so best to keep the total number down. It is also easier to manage only a few people.

Also note in groups the minority aspect. If you are the only person in your group with one type of look, you're doomed. Think of it like a neon flashing light that says "Me first".

Rule Six: Avoid the Stupid... Unless They Have Big Guns

The first person to say something stupid is the first person to do something stupid. Avoid him/her because they will do that stupid thing eventually resulting in them and anyone nearby being dead.

However there is a clause to this rule in that if the stupid have big/powerful guns, you should be their best friend. Remember they will do something stupid and if you are their friend, you'll be given their weapon. Just remember to keep your distance when they start shooting and you'll be golden.

Rule Seven: Hygiene Is For The Dead

Don't worry about how you smell or if your hair looks nice cause the person/monster/whatever trying to kill you will eat you insides no matter what the outsides look like. Wipe your butt later, or on the go... no need to be tidy either just toss it in the grass as you run. Lucky you even had the chance to take that dump. Now hurry up and don't get greedy!

There is a clause to this rule as well. Any wounds need to be cleaned ASAP. Nothing worse than gangrene offing you when the killer/monster/zombie just missed.

Rule Eight: Your Collage Degree Means Very Little

The "smart guy" only comes in handy when the generator breaks down or when he was the cause of ground Zero. Otherwise you listen to the marine, the hunter or the commie hunting bigot. You might hate yourself for it now but you'll be alive later. Don't discredit the smart guy, just ignore his bitching until he has something to actually contribute.

Rule Nine: Survival of the Fittest

DO NOT... EVER... EVER GO BACK! If you got away and your girlfriend didn't, screw her and move on. You'll find someone else once things die- er... settle down. Saving her only adds more weight on you and slows the entire group. Leave her for dead you sentimental idiot!


Rule Ten: Hide or Hunt

You have two strategic options when it comes to survival horror and that is you hide until it is over (these people show up at the end of the film standing on a roof waving down helicopters the hero party just called) or hunt. Hunt the enemy, hunt for an exit, hunt for food... whatever. You becoming a moving party of nomads. Those are your two and only options. Anyone that thinks otherwise is also very dead.

Clause: Hiders need to find REALLY GOOD hiding spots, otherwise they become a dead hider. Hunters need to be well organized otherwise they... well you get the point.

2 Replies:

Anonymous said...

Hey, I just noticed you mentioned my blog in a interview, thanks! Blogger has betrayed me today, I can't log in and update, so I will just read your stuff instead.

Dudel said...

I forgot I did that.

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